A Matt Nicole Exclusive
My Bedroom, Brooklyn-- It started at a putt-putt place on CR-76. Jerry and Jenny Boeheim fell in love on the 8th hole. Twenty years later they came back to the 7th to tie the knot in front of hundreds of their closest friends and family. The knot would eventually be untied in the privacy of a Law firm in the local Stop and Shop strip mall.
The interviews of Jerry and Jenny were separate affairs, but their responses were all exactly the same. For your sake they'll be known as "The Parents" throughout this article.
"I knew it was love when he didn't try to bang me on the first date," says The Parents. The years of contempt for the other The Parents slowly growing deep inside his/her vacant stare. "I didn't even think she was that cute, but she gave me a blowjob in the pirate's cave on the 7th hole. That's when I was hooked."
Meeting their son, adolescent Jereny Boeheim, brings to mind the author's first and only meeting with Maya Angelou. Jereny is the opposite. He's short, white, unconfident, and has not the slightest idea about why a caged bird sings. Nevermind that he's only read two books. Both written by Tony Kornheiser, the host of ESPN's hit show Pardon The Interruption.
Tony's Song
This guy's a millionaire because he follows sports. Of course he's smiling.
Our interview took place over the course of two weeks, but young Jereny's disinterest in both love and jumping into something serious without really getting to know the girl was the same at both The Parent's houses. For your sake I'm not going to delineate which house elicited which response.
"My parents never really got along very well. My first memory is kangarooing deep inside his/her platy-puss[Jereny's emphasis]."
"I guess they cared for me about the same. My dad always won the arguments, but I say that because that's what he always told me. His exact words were "Your mom is so stupid."
I think you could say the same thing about my mom's view on my dad. She always said , "Your dad is so stupid."
They really are so similar you can't tell them apart sometimes."
The recent governmentally recognized end of the marraige between Jereny's parents didn't come as a surprise to anyone. The Parent's parents chimed in. For your sake all of The Parent's parents will be referred to as The Parent's Parents.
The Parent's Parents all agreed that The Parents might have been too similar for each other.
One of the Parent's Parents finally has enough gall to standup and speak her piece. It's the mother of the mother of Jereny. A jolt of electricity flows through the room. The Parent's Parent with a pacemaker gets nervous.
Diary's Tell-All Tale
I still don't know why anyone keeps a diary. If you so many story's to keep straight that you can fill a book, that scares me.
"Yeah. You're all so right. They got divorced because they were too similar. Opposites attract and similars repel. I think that's a good way of putting it."
Sacrificing meaning for a hindsight-ism seems to be commonplace by this point in my meetings with the Boheims.
Everyone in the room agrees with each other and they ask me to leave.
As I'm packing up my bags to leave their shared duplex I'm hit with a fact that sets the truth free.
"Maybe if he didn't like blowing guys as much as she did they could have worked it out," says one of The Parent's Parents. He/she/he/she continues, "yeah, he/she couldn't stand the taste of his/her love, how could he/she like the taste of a different man's."
Jereny gets the last word. Literally. He'll probably outlive all the mess that's become his family. He's hopeful for the future, but at the same time is nervous that he'll meet someone as fucked up as he is.
"I think it's time they brought back arranged marriages. It'd be good for relationships and if you really think about it, probably the economy too. But who knows, that's just what they say on the news.
He'll outlive us all, so I guess I/we'll never know.
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